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August 1st, 2025 - Birthday Today

Today's my birthday and idk got inspired to make this and write something for the occasion. Thoughts on aging and time passing, truth is they're a constant source of anxiety for me. Like anxiety to the point my stomach hurts anxiety. Thinking about how my time on this earth is limited, how every second is passing, how I'm only gonna keep getting older and older. Perhaps I'd be less anxious if my life had gone different, I feel like I was born dead, I spent most of my life wishing I was, it wasn't until about 6 years ago that I started to feel like I was alive. 6 years alive and already 26? Isn't that sad. That's why the zombie thing, besides zombies just being cool. It's not like my childhood was the worst, but it certainly keeps me up at night. If things were different would I have been able to get a job by now? Would I have been to college? Would I have had a boyfriend or any of my firsts? I'm 26 already. Would things have been different if COVID hadn't happened? I dunno. It certainly looks bad on job applications when you're 26 and have never been employed. I wish I wasn't rotting away in my room, don't get me wrong I love rotting, I do it all the time, I just wish I could go out. But there's not anything to do here without money or a car. I can't drive either. 26 and can't drive.

I've been going through what I like to call a "quarter-life crisis" since I turned 25, it's when the anxiety really started. The dread of time passing, every second moving, every moment I'm not doing something I could be doing something I only have so much time on this earth, I want to experience it all I want to read every book, watch every movie, play every game, and of course; make all the art I want to make. I see people my age or younger coding, and drawing, and writing, I want to improve my own work, I wish I had started sooner, I wish I could turn back at least 6 years. But you know! It's better to start now than never! I feel like my growth was stunted and it was, for a lot of reasons. This quarter life crisis is also why I purged a bunch of my OCs earlier this year, why I'm doing the art studying, why my artstyle's changing, why everything I've done this year has happened. I only have so much time on this earth, so I need to think about what I want to prioritize, so I'm prioritizing what I like the most, what I find cool the most. I loved the OCs I had before but how many of them were art I really wanted to make? I want to make cool art. I want the stuff I make to reflect what I like. My art is an extension of my self expression and I felt the art I've been making up til now didn't match how I wanted to express myself, if I were a more fancy person I'd say I want it to match my interior self and I guess that's true, but mostly I just want it to be cool. I still love creating looking at different ideas and exploring things outside my own aesthetics but honestly I wasn't making enough of my own aesthetics. So my art's changing, I'm becoming more self-indulgent, trying to work towards making the stuff I wanna make. Course the fastest wasy to make the stuff you wanna make is to just make it now but haha focusing on practice and study is also important. If only I'd had done it sooner.

I think I'm afraid of getting older, the surest sign of running out of time. It's aggravating when people tell me my feelings are irrational, I know they are, I'm not stupid. I know logically I'm still quite young, that everyone develops at different times, that I've still done a lot. Anxiety doesn't care about the facts it's not rational. I wonder when I'll start hiding my exact age and just start saying something like 25+ not letting people be able to judge how I act based on my age. A lot of my suicidal feelings went away when I was around 19-20 (6 years ago now), there were a lot of factors for this and I'm a much happier person these days, sometimes though I think about how if I died now this is how I'll be remembered for the rest of time and part of me prefers that to continuing. Oh god am I gonna be like this when I'm 30? When I'm 40? Being a guy who likes gore way too much and twinks into my 40s.. acting like this into my 40s.. I feel like I can't, surely I'll change overtime but do I want to? Not really. I feel like I can only be who I am now /now/ even though I don't judge other people older than me on the same merits. Sometimes I think about lying and telling people I'm still 24, that was a comfortable age, before all this age anxiety really hit.

There's no real point to this I guess, I didn't intend for this to be basically a vent post! I honestly considered not posting this at all! I don't like to talk about my feelings publically, invites too many people to want to keep talking about it trying to make me "feel better" or whatever, I just want it out of my system. But yknow, it's genuine and maybe we need more people being genuine these days, even if that genuineness is disordered depressing rambling. At least I've got friends, wishing me a happy birthday, one of them even did while I was writing this. Wish I had cake, yknow I've never had my own birthday party except once, too many people in my family with birthdays in July and August it's easier to have a "family birthday" for me, my dad, my uncles, my aunts, my cousins, my grandma, my great aunts, etc. you get it. Had a cake at the party when I was 9 I think, it was an ice cream cake with the top made to look like a pool, there was some kinda clear blue icing used for the pools water and it had blue gummy sharks in it haha. Sometimes I think it'd be fun to try to get a cake just like it again one of these days. I dunno.